Hi Bob
 
Just noticed that you have more than nine and a half thousand hits for the jokes heading.
 
Well done Bob
 
You keep us all   when sometimes we might feel like  
 
So thanks Bob for making us all  
 
Take care
 
Lesley
 
WELL DONE BOB

Received from Teddy.   I'm sure you ladies will appreciate this:
 
Quote:

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
 
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
 
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
 
 
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
 
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
 
 
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
 
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
 
 
 
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
 
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
 
 
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
 
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
 
 
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
 
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.
 
Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
 
Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services??????

Excellent Bob and yes you guessed it I never listened

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
 
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
 
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
 
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
 
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.
 
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
 
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.
 
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
 
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
 
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
 
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
 
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
 
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'
 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
 
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
 
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
 
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... Today you voted.'